I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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