porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
