they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
