the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
