I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
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If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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