i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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