Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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