Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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