Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Im part way to drunk.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
