It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
this just has baby written all over it
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Randomize
