Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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