This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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