I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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