I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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