All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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