I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
