We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
