smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
