you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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