Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
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he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
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dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
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