i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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