I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Mom said you looked used
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
