I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
