Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
