I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
