Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
