No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
