Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
