Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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