I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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