i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
