no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
