when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
my mouth tastes like poor choices
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
