I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just wanna soil my oats bro
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
