We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
i now understand why vodka
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
