I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
