I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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