I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
