i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
