I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
