I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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