I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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