I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
