I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
