so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
