At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
