Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
