At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
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Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
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Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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