peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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