Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
