I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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