I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
