I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
