why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
