You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
