My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
