I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
