After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
